Naked Attendance Quiz

Better to miss the 2-point quiz than to take it naked, I think:

Dr. [professor],

I really hope that you will be able to understand the conditions under which I missed class today. I did not purposely wake up and decide that I was going to skip your class this morning. Rather, I took a shower, my roomie walked out of the door and locked me out, meaning I was stuck outside of my room for roughly an hour and a half in a towel. There weren't any RAs in sight, and I was left with out a cell phone to contact her with. She was in a class. I hope you will not consider this a phoney reason as to not coming to class. However, I live in [dorm], so walking to class in a towel would have been rather difficult. I am writing this because a friend in the class told me about the attendance quiz that was taken your class today, of all days. I understand that this may seem a lil bizzar and a random reason. However, I am sincere when telling this. I just don't want to be penalized for something that was completely an accident/ out of my control. I understand if I am penalized in the end, but I figured I might as well try.

Thank you,
[student]

Otherwise

Ah, our jobs would be so much easier if grades were not tied to actual student performance.

Professor [name]
I took your [general eduction] class this semester on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays at 2:30. I had a lot of family problems during the beginning of the semester which prevented me from doing as well as I intended. I'm currently trying to get into the college of business, but to do so, I need a 3.6 gpa this semsester. My grades were a lot better during the second half of the semester and I think I did well on the final. I came to your office hours and my grades for [related classes that I took in high school] were all A's. Is there anyway that you can raise my grade to an A so I can pursue my major? Otherwise my parents are making me transfer to a school closer to home. I appreciate your time in reading this e-mail.

Thank you very much

When a student next asks me to increase their grade for no reason, I intend to steal this professor's reply:

[name]:

My job is pretty simple. I give tests, I grade tests, and I give people the grade they earn. While your story is intriguing, nothing in it justifies my changing your grade from one that you deserve to one that you do not. To do so would be unfair to every student whose grade you "leapfrogged." So, I'm sorry, but the answer is no.

Prof. [name]

The only things that I failed...

A favorite from the reader submissions sent in during the year I have spent under a rock:

The only things that I failed were the tests and the final exam, but I don't understand how I went from an A at midterms to an E for the final grade. I worked really hard on the grading project and the presentations. I hope you will consider changing my grade a little cause feel like I dont deserve this grade.

Why summer rocks

While students are in hibernation over the summer they send far fewer emails. Have anything in your archives to submit?

Chick-fil-a

Here's an email that has been making the rounds in academic circles.
I don't know if it's true or not... but if so this is the best excuse for missing a final exam that I have ever heard.

Professor [name],

I am in your MWF 8:00 a.m. [class] and I was wondering if there is any possible way I could take the exam on Monday, Tuesday, afternoon/late Thursday, or Friday? I know this is late notice, but something has come up that would, if I could go, require me to leave very early Wednesday morning and not arrive back in [our town] until Thursday morning. I would like to attend the Chick-fil-A opening in [city 2 hours away]. If you are one of the first one hundred people to arrive at a Chick-fil-A opening, you recieve free Chick-fil-A for a whole year. Because [our school] has a Chick-fil-A on campus, I would then be able to get a smaller meal plan and consequently save some money. This event is so popular that most of the 100 arrive very early in the morning the day before the opening and camp out the night before. Some even arrive days before the opening. To contend with the other potential first 100 arrivals, my ride would like to leave a great deal before my exam 8:00-10:00 a.m. on Wednesday. I know this may seem like an unusual request, but I would greatly appreciate anything you could do.

Thanks!
[student name]

My grade is unacceptable

From a reader: This one was handwritten on a piece of paper left for another TA in a shared office, so there's no email to forward. But a student left his TA a note saying that the grade he had received for [course] was "unacceptable." He asked her to suggest a "mutually convenient time" when they could meet "to negotiate a grade that will be acceptable to us both."

Lab attack

Hello [Professor],

I tried to send my [project] on blackboard but it did not so through so my lab is attacked to this email.

Thank you,
[Student]